my sweet baby

So its been awhile since I've posted anything. If you have been keeping up with Jareds blog we are currently driving to Durham to Duke for his cord blood infusion.

Its been a rollarcoaster to say the least. Jared has spent 4.5 weeks of his 6 weeks of life at Hershey Hospital. We were discharged from the NICU to find ourselves with a shunt infection that made him very ill and we ended up in the PICU. He's back home now and its off the Duke.

The NICU life was hard but the most difficult thing that hit me was seeing the 23 weekers in there. It brought flashbacks of holding my dear sweet little girl. I cried and got angry all over again. My brain couldn't wrap around the fact that she needed about 4.5 weeks to have been atleast given the chance of surviving. All I could think about is the unfairness of it all yet again... Why... Yet at the same time I'm in the NICU for my new son. Yet my heart still aches for my little girl. I've come to realize that no matter where I'm at in life- that ache will always be there.

While at the beach, I saw little girls around Angel's age and it would make me think of her and wonder what she'd be like. Then I turn to my other daughter who knows what I'm thinking and tells me Not to worry because Angel is having fun in heaven. For being so small she always has the right words for me. Though even now she still asks why Angel had to go to heaven and why Jared has to face these hardships- why does God do these things, she asks... Even as an adult I wonder these questions. With Angel it was something so simple as a blood clot causing me to lose her...with Jared a tiny piece of protein during development was left behind and caused a cyst in his head that caused all his problems... These simple little things cause such huge problems...noone ever said being pregnant was easy, but yet millions each day make it look that way. We do know God never gives more than we can handle and he must think we are very strong.

Taking each day as God gives it, living one day at a time...missing my sweet angel baby and looking at my new child as a miracle... I can't imagine that doctors wanted me to kill him. Unbelievable. Yes. The road ahead is long and people can't believe how well we are handling all of this... This pathway is easy compared to the path of losing our daughter... We will always miss her and she will always be apart of our life, but I'm so happy that we chose the gift of life for her brother so we could walk this new path- but we still cling to the memory of our sweet baby who never got the chance Jared has gotten.